Hypnosis

Do you guys ever wonder what your life would been like if you grew up doing whatever the hell you wanted? I mean literally. I find myself thinking about that a lot lately. Why.. I’m not exactly to sure. I am also not exactly the most content in my life right now but that’s because I’m lost. More lost than what I aspire to be. I have come to understand life is hard and it wasn’t meant to be easy. However I want to break the cycle, I want to be free, free from responsibilities and free from slavery. Is this really all life is? Work till the day you die with no excitement and hustling for paper in the hopes you can obtain your freedom? I just pray to God I have enough energy to keep going, to keep the will and the desire. Motivation isn’t enough and it never has been. We need more than motivation we need a why. Finding that “why” however is not as easy as it seems. I thought money was my huge why, I thought my family was a big why. Although they are a lot to me and everything I find I need something more. I look at people pretending to live their best lives and I’m not sure if I envy them or if I am happy for them. I know in this life I was meant for more I can feel it in my soul. It burns through like fire burns through coal and it ignites. I just need to unlock it and unleash that in me. I know I am close it has been a journey for sure however terrifying it has been and the will it has taken I don’t want to give up. So close to do so. I need that extra push, the extra kick, the extra will. I try to run away from the angst, the fear, the “what if’s” all of the turmoil.

Sometimes I also feel I need to get my head out of the clouds, lately it’s the only place I have been. Dreaming about a different life, thinking about what my life could have been with just the simplest changes. My biggest fear of them all is not to be a failure, not to be a failure in my grandparents eyes, not to be a failure in my mothers eyes and most importantly not to be a failure in my own eyes. I’m a harsh critic of myself and although that sometimes may be a good thing to have about oneself I fear sometimes it does me more harm than good. Being hard on myself now that I look back to my early college days I have realized it has stopped me from so so much. It has stopped me from living my life. It has prevented me from being truly content, from chasing what made my soul light up. For the people that find their hidden talent/love and strive in it, it’s amazing to me. How do we become that 1-5%, the very few that are talented and gifted but blessed to love what they do. Such as the artists of the world. I realize we need imagination as an adult more than we ever did as a child. How does our imagination just fade over time? I wish I understood. Walking through life and going through the motions is awful, I need to snap out of it. I need to undeceive myself. I need to breathe again. Being in a state of hypnosis is so toxic for me, myself and I. How do I let go and become who I’m supposed to be?

—-Emily H